It was my lowest moment when I ever started to love my body. I was overweight and miserable about it. This is how I found the light at the end of the tunnel.
A Little Background Story
It must have been the magazines, my favorite music videos, or the movies, I so often used to watch that made my brain constantly compare my body to the perfectly shaped, skinny but fit bodies of the actors and singers. I must have been around 13 when all of this started. Even though I was a fit little girl, the taught that I need to lose weight constantly haunted me. With this in mind, one would think that this obsession was going to keep me from becoming what I feared most: overweight. But you know how fear works, right?
You can’t escape it… So I entered puberty as an active chubby teenage girl.
The Realization
It was 2015, my second year of University when I applied to an exchange program to go for six weeks in Samara, Russia. I was supposed to meet there a lot of other international students, learn about each other’s cultures and teach students in schools and kindergartens, but in reality I learned much more. Everything was perfect in my little adventure. I made friends with people from Columbia, Egypt, India, and Russia, of course. We shared stories, experiences and clearly, created new ones. I lived with a beautiful family of 4 and their fluffy cat in their small apartment. It felt like home.
After my arrival, the first thing I wanted to do was a long bath after more than 24 hours of traveling. As I got into the tub, I couldn’t help but notice the huge mirror on the tiny wall and the huge girl in the tiny tub. That was me. How is that even possible? How? When did this happen? For a moment I tried to be ignorant so I just looked away. But there was no way you could have avoided looking at yourself there. It struck me!
It was that moment when I realized that I was no longer fat in my head, but in reality too; I was no longer chubby, but unhealthy and unfit. A decision was made then and there. I had to do something about it. Immediately.
So I did something about it
I started planning. Planning meals, planning how much weight I would lose until I came home. I also drew a table planning how much I should lose every week. There were two columns: planned vs. achieved; the first one was already filled out and the second one, I had to fill it every week with how much I weight. Now that the plan was made, everything else was supposed to be easy. It was just a matter of time. So I took my piece of paper and went happily to sleep as if I had already shredded the extra kilos.
Very determined, the next morning, I woke up, ate a very small breakfast, and off to work I was. It was before noon when I started getting hungry. “It is working…”, I thought to myself with a little smile on my face. “And it is not even that hard.” A few hours later, I started being a little dizzy, so I taught it was time to have something to eat. What about a small salad? That should be fine. I ate my salad and continued the activities. Not long after having my lunch, I started feeling hungry again. “Hmm… weird”. I haven’t had anything to eat until dinner time and I was famished. We had planned to go eat in the city together with the other international exchange students. Everybody was ordering the most interesting dishes on the menu, some even trying two types of desserts. I thought to myself: “Well, I am here once and after all my hard work of today, I deserve it”. So I just finished my first day of dieting with a stake, fries, and some cake, of course.
The next morning, I weigh in and I noticed, I was 100 g heavier than yesterday. I was furious. So furious, that I had sweets for breakfast. With my tummy full I swore, that it would change and the next day it will be better.
As you probably imagine, it didn’t get better. Every day I would promise myself that I will make progress, that tomorrow will be different, that I will never give up. I started getting angrier and angrier. I stopped wanting to be in photos, I just looked in the mirror for as long it was necessary to do the make-up or make my hair. As for the long baths, they transformed into quick showers facing the opposite way of the mirror. Oh, how I hated that mirror… The frustration was so great that I didn’t want to get out of the apartment anymore and just go buy sweets and eat them. The guilt was immense, but still, I couldn’t stop. It became an obsession that bothered me every second of my life for the next six weeks. I had a huge internal conflict: I hated myself because I was overweight, I was frustrated and tired because I could not lose the weight and the only thing that felt good was the one thing that was making me fat: The big amount of food, especially the delicious Russian candies that I was consuming every day. I felt hopeless and sad.
My last day in Russia was the first day I accepted myself
Being surrounded by a feeling of gratitude towards my Russian family and friends, on my last day of this journey, I took a moment to recollect all the beautiful moments that I spent there, all the lessons that I have learned and how fortunate I was for living those experiences. The positive feelings were so intense and for the first time in a long time, I felt somehow free. In those moments, it didn’t matter how much I weigh, it just mattered that I was still there, spending the last moments with people that had become friends and family. A little light lit in my head. Why don’t I enjoy every moment just like that?
Just a few hours until departure, I had planned a quick shower, but as I got in the bathroom, I couldn’t help but look in the mirror that brought me so much misery. Stepping in the tub, I took all the courage I had and I did it facing the mirror. And I starred.
And I starred.
I just took a moment to process the way I looked like. I remember I just didn’t think anything. I just looked.
My legs were huge and my waist was almost gone, there was cellulite on my thighs and the stretch marks were all over my hips. My cheeks were super chubby and I was looking nothing like I ever imagined. But inside my head, it was still me. It was the same person, with the same fears, the same passions, and experiences. I had amazing friends and family and if they love me for who I am, why shouldn’t I? I suddenly smiled. Why shouldn’t I indeed?
That was step one: Acceptance. I accepted who I have become and it felt like a huge rock of guilt has lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t know it then, but I know it now: It has been the first time in forever when I have shown respect and love to who I was.
It became a habit
And I kept practicing it. I slowly started to spend more time in the mirror trying new hairstyles, or new make-up. I started trying new earrings, the ones that stand out. I started buying new clothes, my size that fit me perfectly, even though I didn’t look like the models who were wearing them in the commercials. I even allowed myself to show some cleavage and wear shorter dresses and shorts and bright colors. When I went to the beach I threw my old one-piece costume in the back of the suitcase and left it there because I was only wearing a two-piece bathing suit. I knew my body wasn’t perfect, but it was what it was. It felt good to live without worrying that you are not what other people expect of you and owning it!
This journey of self-acceptance has shown me that other things in the world were more important than how I looked like. Spending so much time on one problem takes a lot of energy and keeps you from doing what you really want. It drives us to make up excuses not to try new things, meeting new people, starting new relationships. Standing out in a crowd, dancing, speaking your mind, looking your best, not eating your favorite dessert when you are surrounded by people. Acceptance sets you free.
I always say that we’re born alone and all we have is ourselves. Yes, people around us are important, but the only person you will live with the rest of your life is YOU! Make sure that you are at peace with that person! So, take a moment just look at yourself. Look closely. Repeat until you see the beautiful person you are on the inside and out. Keep doing it forever.
