23 years old, never had a boyfriend, never had sex, and had only been kissed twice.
Growing up, I had always expected to fall in love with this awesome, funny, and smart guy and that we would have the perfect relationship. When I was a teenager, I used to daydream about how we would meet and how we would fall in love. I had a thousand scenarios in my head on how he would look like, how irresistible our connection would be and how we would finally end up happily together forever. The reality, however, looked a lot more different:
I was a stubborn little girl, constantly negating that I would like to be in a relationship, pretending that I didn’t care about “that kind of stuff”. I was too proud to show the world that I longed for something so badly but had no idea how to achieve it, so I kept pretending, thinking to myself that I am still young and a lot of things can happen until my high school graduation. My goal was to be at least in one relationship until then, to be prepared for my dream guy, that I was supposed to meet someday after that. It became a little upsetting and discouraging to me when all my friends had boyfriends and living teenage dramas. I was the go-to person for advice. I was so involved in everyone’s relationships and giving advice (that usually worked well, when applied). It was just like I was the brain that was missing in all my friends’ relationships, driven by pure emotions and teenage hormones. I was pretty good at understanding what he meant in a fight or how she should express her feelings without sounding too desperate. I helped countless times “organize” break-up talks by preparing speeches that would sound the least upsetting expressing the reason for the separation. After all, we never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings. In almost all of the cases, second chances were given. My role was quite nice until I became tired of playing a secondary part in someone else’s story. So I decided to start my own. I decided to act. After years of counseling my teenage friends, I had this idea that I will be a great girlfriend, so I wasn’t worried about that. My biggest concern was how to make a guy even notice me. But not just any guy, but a great guy!
I graduated high school. No boyfriend. No kiss. I had to step up my game. I promised myself to become more sociable, make new friends, go to more parties, and join new groups. I had been accepted to the Technical University, so that seemed like a good opportunity to do so.
Being an introvert (have I mentioned that?), it was not easy for me to talk to new people, but I practiced it every time I had the chance. I forced myself to go out to parties, although it never felt like my place was there. Finally, I ended up joining two NGOs. One was the University’s students’ organization, where I was an active member for only a few months, and the second one was an international organization for Youth, called AIESEC, where I got involved for the next three years and even had the chance to lead it locally.
Even if my time as a member of the students’ organization was brief, it brought the event I have been waiting for for years:
My first kiss.
It was nothing like I imagined. What have I imagined? Butterflies in my stomach, an empty room or an intimate place, myself beautifully dressed and him looking at me like I was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. I imagined it would happen around our third date after we got the chance to get to know each other enough to have fallen in love with each other’s minds. I imagined the moment of that first kiss would be the moment the tension between us would have finally reached its peak. What a cliché! I’m practically describing an American teenage movie.
I was at a party thrown in a village in the middle of nowhere for the new members of the organization. It was an event that lasted for three days and the purpose was to get to know each other: Old and new members. Every night there was a party in a place that looked like a sport’s hall. I didn’t know anybody there but I quickly made friends with a guy, who seemed nice, but I wasn’t attracted to him that way. I believe he also had a girlfriend. Anyways, we were super bored that night and he suggested we should go and dance and just try to have fun. I wasn’t looking my best, I was wearing my cousin’s baggy hoody and no make-up and I wasn’t in the mood for dancing, but as It was nothing better to do, I accepted. Not long after we started dancing he met some old friends and went out to catch up. As I was about to leave that party and head to my room, a guy comes over and asked me to dance with him. Sure, why not! I hadn’t even seen his face, I had no idea what his name was. All I know is that he started to pull me closer and closer. It was the first time that had happened to me. It felt nice. I felt beautiful and wanted. We slowly danced our way to the darkest place of that room and started getting even closer. All of a sudden I feel like I can’t breathe. Unexpectedly he pushed his lips against mine and I felt his tongue circling mine invading my mouth, contaminating it with a gross taste of beer and cigarettes. That was it? I tried again. Nope… it didn’t get any better. He then started to talk to me about how his ex-girlfriend had just left him and that he couldn’t get her out of his mind. Then he kept kissing me… When was it going to be over? I couldn’t stand that gross smell of alcohol in his breath; it just made me sick. A brilliant idea came through my mind: “Hey, you know… I’m tired. I think I am going to sleep”. As a response, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me harder, more passionate, and then asked: “Still sleepy?” I just wanted to vomit. I said yes, politely and he repeated his “seductive” move. He did that a few times until he let me go. We said our goodnights and that was the last time we spoke. Ever.
That was soooo disappointing. For quite a while I tried to convince myself that it had to be better. Otherwise, why was everybody so excited about this? Fortunately, the bad taste of my first kissed was replaced by my second kiss about two years after. It was almost the same surrounding: A party with my colleagues from the other NGO. The guy was also a total stranger, but for the kissing part… It was a pleasure. It was morning when we said our goodbyes and never seen each other again.
Between these two “major” events in my life, I had just hoped. Hoped that at the next conference, I will meet the one, hopes that in the next class at school I will find him, hoped that I will find my stranger on the bus or magically bump into him on the streets, just like in the movies. The truth is it rarely happens like in the movies. In fact, my only information about dating and relationships I got from the TV series and movies I was watching so passionately. I wasn’t even into soap operas, just watched all the typical (mostly) American (commercial) love stories. I fell in love with the idea that one day, something magical will happen to me too. I truly believed that those movies reflect reality. It gave me hope, but I was just so tired to wait any longer. I found myself questioning whether I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough… And the saddest thing was that I felt I couldn’t talk to anybody about this. I felt ashamed.
The unexpected happened
After finishing my Bachelor’s studies, I decided to go for the Master’s degree and get a job. At this point, I was 23, no relationship, and still a virgin. What has changed was that I decided to stop being defined by these words and just own them. Just live my life and make the best out of it. I was very determined to invest in my career and stay focused on that. If somebody would come along the way, fine but if not, I will be fine on my own just as I always was. In the beginning, it was not that easy for me to adapt to this new mindset, as my brain was already trained to focus so much on every guy I see, that might have an interest in me. But whenever I found myself do so, I would just change the subject in my head. In a quite short time, around two months, I succeeded to change my focus. And it was such a relief.
Surprisingly, just around that time, I fell in love with a great guy that felt the same. It felt so easy and so natural to speak to him, to not be ashamed of my (lack of) previous experiences. That was the moment when I finally accepted who I was and owned it. And you know what? This is not where the story ends, it is exactly where it begins.
My Conclusion
Now, looking back to all those years of wanting and trying to find a relationship, I realized that I was somehow blind to reality. I thought I was focusing on what I wanted but the truth is I was just chasing after what society taught me was all I needed to survive: Love.
And the standards are pretty high.
I tried to control the way things are, I tried so hard to become someone loveable, to agree with everyone, and to listen to everyone’s problems. I tried to become perfect, but in fact, all had to do was to be myself and sometimes just let things happen.
If you find yourself in a mind trap as such, please just take a break. Look at the things you can control and focus on that. If you are constantly trying to “plan” faith, it will be just like swimming against the waves: Time consuming, exhausting and useless.
